BlueTemptress' Journal

1:18pm: What in the WORLD?
Have you ever seen the episode of REAL WORLD when the girl receives a pig-heart in the mail as a valentines gift?

Although my situation is not as extreme, it feels very reminisent of such an occasion.

The box that one keeps with all the memorabilia (photos, gifts, movie-ticket stubs) of lovers past (and they get separate boxes) shows up on my doorstep today. I don't know what perturbs me more...the fact that a male (my ex) actually has a box designated for me, or that he had the gaul to send it to me.

Some things I never will understand. Isn't it much easier to put the boxes of past lovers under your bed, or better yet, in your attic until the dust overcomes it and it becomes so old and insignificant that you can burn it or throw it out? Or you could just give it back like he did..."Thanks for the Memories, have them back, I don't want them.".

I don't know what to make of this.

2:06am: Why?
Why is it in some people's agenda's to make your life as complicated and miserable as they can?

After I repeatedly turned down invitations to go out with Michael (I did so in a very gracious manner), he seems to be set on making me pay for my decision. He knows I am serious with someone, and he thinks he knows that I should not be in that relationship...and that he should be the one to "save" me from it. ha.

So he starts showing up at my gym when I do, and talks talks talks to my trainer, friends, etc. Stuff that they don't need to hear nonetheless.

I wish he would just get out of my life. I love him to death, we've been friends for a decade now, but sometimes I just can't handle him.

What to do? What to do?

2:59am: Skinny dipping in the muckiest pond
ewwwwweee....slimmy, icky, sticky, gooooeey mud and slimy green

He and I rendevoued at the Vezeuez "lake" after an amazing night of jazz and martinis at this little cigar bar down in the east side

skinny-dippin was the name of the game.

But the "lake" was more of a gooey pond. Reminiscent of a day at the spa with mud and sea-weed treatments. No need to pay hundreds, just jump right in!

Aggggg...I'll sleep good tonight...as soon as he joins me...

4:36pm: Weird Dreams
I had the craziest dream last night that my family was trying to "breed" me with this rich italian guy because his family was worried about their family name dying.

It was this big production with both of our families along to work out the details, and it was literally like they were breeding us...like we were dogs or something.

Retched! Egghhhhhgggcckk. At least the guy seemed pretty hot (in my dream).

Maybe I've been watching too many old movies; ancient courtship rituals and pre-arranged uhhh...arangements.

3:20pm: A funny thing happened on the way to the cleaners...
I ran into my high-school sweet-heart today on my way to the cleaners. I haven't talked to him since he went off to college a year before I graduated. The distance is what ultimatly ended the relationship. He went to Yale, and I was stuck back in prarie-town a million miles away.

I've never been good at the distance thing.

Nothing has changed him. He is older...more toned and cut than I remembered...and he looks wiser...if that is possible. After exchanging numbers, he promised to call so that we might rendevou and catch up on the past four-five years.

I am curious. I want to know EVERYTHING. He looks better than before. Maybe it's that he a somewhat matured version of his former self. I wonder what would have happened if the distance hadn't been a problem, or if he had gone to a school closer by.

SOmehow fate crossed our paths again. I wonder what is to come.

4:19am: Her First Earthquake
The sixth grade gym class watched Emily's balance beam routine. It had no grace or reason besides the covering of space from here to there. Another dip, a hurried somersault. The black leotard sagged against her chest and stomach. Her breasts had yet to master their training bra, and the rest of her hadn't yet learned to negotiated the ground, the odd angles of walls, the bruises of doors.

Then the class scurried to the wall. Emily nearly stopped and watched. The kids crouched down. They covered their heads. Emily thought they were disgusted by her performance, so she tried harder. Dipping, wobbling and leaping, doing somersaults and jumps on the hard wooden railing.

Then it was easy. Her foot found the wood and gripped where it touched. She couldn't fall. She found perfect ballance on her toes. Emily looked up with a smile in the middle of a jump and saw the world heaving and bucking against its own weight. The free weights leaping from their stands. Floor mats shimmying across the room. The ground shaking, easy, loose. Emily stood on her hands.

A high window smashed to pieces. Glass whirled in the design of tears, of ice. Everything that would happen to everyone else was spelled out like tea leaves, or the patterns of bones. Broken glass cut all around her, except for where she had already landed without noticing. With her arms up in the air, small feet suddenly firm on the dancing floor.

5:28pm: I think I've decided to make the move to L.A. Unless I am convinced otherwise by Thursday. Hmmm....

11:43pm: Today I was offered an AMAZING opportunity...to work a show in L.A. That's the problem...the fact that I am finally getting used to NYC, and now they want me to pick up and move across the country. I know I should take it because I may not get another opportunity like it, but things just seem to feel right for me here now, finally. Everything is wonderful with Eli, despite our time apart earlier this summer. And he's only a train-ride away, not a few thousand miles. I know this should not be (and is not) my reason for wanting to stay. I can't explain it...I just have this FEELING that there is a reason I should be here.
I wish I could figure out what it is.

5:39pm: More subway adventures
There is this certain agency that scouts by finding people in the streets...another individual approached me today and stated, quite confidently that they "discovered" me. Haa! My first day back after a vaca with Eli, and I'm "discovered" again.
For the third time by this same agency. I was on the F train that had no air, so I was sweating profusly. They were somewhat embarrassed when I informed them of this and just left me alone. Why do the funniest things happen to me on the trains?

9:59pm: I would play a better Beast
So my agent just called and informed me that they had sent out my comp and resume to some casting directors, and that I was to audition for a part in Beauty and the Beast.
I'm quite nervous, since I haven't been in the grove of things yet here, and since this is one of my first big broadway auditions. I'll probably be up all night just thinking of it...what will I wear...what will I sing....will they make me learn a dance routine to audition with?
With the weather so wishy-washy, humid, and icky, my hair has been a big massive mane lately...I'm afraid I'd be a better Beast at this point. I may be in for a visit to the salon that day. Fun.

6:51pm: The nerve of them
So I went for a casting call today for a company which will remain unnamed. The casting director, stylists, designers, and marketing execs all raved over my book and pretty much told me the job was in the bag. Then they asked me to walk in the nude for them. I was enraged. You think someone might have warned me of something like this. It would have been a huge job, but I just couldn't bring myself to that level. I know there are models out there that are very well know, that have no problem with strutting their stuff nude, but not me.
I guess I'll just stick with the acting for now. Acting with clothes on. Ha.

7:04pm: Grrrrrr
All I have to say is that people that work at Subway are morons. (Today at least). So I tell them what I want and DON'T want on my sandwich, and they load it up with everything I specifically told then Not to put on it. When I point this out, they start scraping it off, and mmmuusshing the break like that's going to make it better. I could do the scrapping and muuusshhhing myself. Grrr.
And then they have the nerve to come across the counter and inquire repeatedly if my water is cold or not. So much for taking a decent lunch. I bolted out of there quick and ate on the go.
I think I'll start making my own sandwiches.

1:15am: There are days when...
I have so much pent up inside, so much to say, to do, to think about, that it hurts if I don't let it all out.

Then there are the days when I realize I am IN love. Such days are not normal, frequent, or even remembered clearly. But I think this day will be.

When is it exactly, at what point, or moment in time....what event or occurance is it that sparks the epiphony within you....when YOU REALIze, you are IN love.???..!!!!..????

Maybe it is something that you've known all along (for a while at least), but it is not until a moment of utter desperation, that you know it is too late....you can't go back now....because you've given your heart away without even realizing it...you've fallen IN love.

And it hurts. Bad.

So I question these fellings I have for him...is it a false assumption to make of myself? What IS love anyways? Is it feeling that I can't live without him? I should think not, but it happens anyways. It's the kindness, the patience, the calm within everything else (that is a mess) in my life. Trust perhaps...though this is a HUGE step as my trust runs very low.

So I'm sticky, and frustrated, confused....an my head aches from all of these thoughts pent up inside...

8:13pm: I can't breathe it's so hot
If I could wish for one thing right now....AIRCONDITIONING.

Now, I'm used to spending all day in the scoldering sun, so you think a little muggy/hot/rainy weather wouldn't bother me much; today is the exception. It was like an oven, or the steamiest sauna on the hottest island closest to the equator. It hurt to breathe ....I could actually feel the hot air pumping in and out of my lungs, suffocating me. I want to go stand in a cold, dry walk-in beer cooler (and a beer while I'm there would be nice to...or some chilled champaigne). Ha.

The best part was when I was about to leave, and this sudden bout of rain came through...I was watching from the sixth-floor window of my apt. It was hilarious to watch the streets, and every New Yorker's reaction in my proximity. About 80% busted out in a sprint towards the nearest cover...some started walking faster, then ducked in a place, and the rest just gave up...and were soaked in a matter of seconds. About ten minutes later, the sun peaked out ...it was delicious, the combination of the sun and rain.....I was hoping for a rainbow, but no such luck since my view of the sky is so limited.

I wish there were a pool around here at least. Aggggg...

11:59pm: Subway Stares
I was on the 5 up to a casting call today...a girl watched me the entire time...from the time I pushed my way through the crowded doors, and past the armpits and backs of the five people that divided us.
She was wearing a very sort white jean skirt, striped sailor top, and a cute beanie hat. She reminded my of Evlyn. Evlyn and I would have made an outfit like that into a new trend, wearing similar but unique versions of the same chic attire. Add some spiked white and silver shoes, and it's brilliant.
So I stared back.
It went on and on. I was in one of those goofy, nervous moods I get into when I'm about to go out for a job and am psyching myself up. So it turned into a game.
The sad part is, neither of us bothered to make a move other than that.
So many people in this world that seem just like you, but everyone is to scared to be the first one to dare initiate friendship.
I should get out more, do more, make more of an effort.
I should start a lot of things...like fixing my computer ...so I have access to this damn addictive journal writing that I have been forced to do on paper for the past month. Hmmmpp.

7:42pm: My FRENCH sucks
Je voux ci ci si voux pli

3:45am: It's getting HOT in here
So I finally get a chance to breath.

I wish I could stick to these things that I try to make new habits. But for some reason it is always the bad habits that manage to stick.

Now that I have more time, I may be venturing in here more. Hmmm. Maybe I'll go see a movie today. I deserve a break:)

4:02am: Better Now
I spent the last few days in bed with some awful fever that I picked up from I don't know where.

I'm exhausted and weak, and the whole time all I could think about was Eli. I wish he was here...

Must force myself to eat something now....and get myself back up on my feet.

10:35pm: Tu lo sai
Perfected italian aria entitled "tu lo sai" today. Wow...it's been a long time since I've practiced with an instructor. This particular individual was on the upper-side of 70, arthritis in her wrinkled hands, body cushing over the piano bench, and a voice that could shard glass, taken high enough.

Beautiful all the same, encouraging, and kind to the heart.

I need to sight-read more...losing such a valuable skill could kill a career in this city.

Back to work I go. My abs hurt from breathing for those high "Cs". Aggg.

6:41pm: First Time
I can not believe I am doing this. Somebody needs to slap me...why write all of my thoughts/dreams/aspirations thus here, while I should be seeking my place in this world outside my humble abode.
I need to get out of here...venture out more (though I have only been here a few weeks now..so that's my excuse).

New York is lonely. Cold. People walking by, passing in and out of your life, in a moment. I want to see the open fields again. I miss my friends.

But every day, I am amazed that I am here...trying...and the hope of finding my place in this city of all cities is the lifeblood that gets me up every day, and puts a smile on my face.

Eli is in my every thought and dream, though I know it is a thing of the past, I ache for his touch, his comfort, his kiss. I ache so hard it hurts sometimes. I know this will pass in time. Time please go by quickly.

I want to do all the things I dreamed of. Let me be brave.